Since it’s raining and we all have nothing better to do, I’m writing a blog for ya. It helps decrease my anxiety sometimes by giving what keeps my mind racing a voice. For the sake of time and your sanity, I’ll narrow it down.
The first thing for me has been the area of wanting to try to get out there and possibly date. But here’s the thing, I’m 30 and have been married to my soul mate already – dating, especially this day in age is anything but enjoyable. In fact here’s a brief snapshot of what it looks like…I’ve been on Bumble a couple times just to see what’s out there, fulfill some boredom, and honestly because I wanna feel like a desired woman for 2.2 seconds.
For those of you that don’t know the concept of bumble, if both the guy and girl swipe right on each other, it means they are interested in one another. Then it’s up to the girl to message the guy first – the guy cannot initiate the conversation. So here I am trying not to be boring with the “hey what’s up” initial message so I send something like “hey it says you’re only 2 miles away, you should probably come meet me and buy me a drink, just sayin.” Obviously, this is just initiating conversation…I’m not going to meet someone right off the bat without having a conversation to see if I’m even remotely interested. To which I get the reply, “you look like you’re a strong and independent woman so I think you can buy yourself your own drink.” YES people this did in fact really happen. I think it goes without saying why this ahole is still single. Nonetheless, I am strong and independent and can indeed buy my own drink but a free one does taste better lol
I say that to say this…a small encounter like this makes me feel a lot of things. But mostly it makes me very resentful at the position I’m in. If I just had my husband, I wouldn’t be dealing with this. Everything was settled in this area of my life, everything was good! I crave to mean something to someone in a romantic way – to have that 100% intimacy (something way beyond sex). Because I went from 100 to 0 in seconds on December 20th. I want to be a desired woman because I believe God gave me the deepest desire to be a wife and mom. I wasn’t the greatest wife of all time, but I know I was a pretty good one.
I wrestle with the idea of needing a man to bring happiness back into my life. A lot of people say “someday you’ll be happy again” and most the time they equate that with moving forward with a new love. My therapist explained this to me (because this theory drives me nuts) that either they are happiest when they are with someone or they saw you at your happiest when you were with someone. I don’t necessarily believe that happiness is found through another person but I can’t ignore that it is also something God created within us. I go back to when he created the heavens/earth/everything and Adam. And he saw that Adam was alone and that it was NOT GOOD (Genesis 2:18). So he created Eve for him. I know my love for Paul is so big, but I know I have so much more love to give. I give it every single day in many ways, but I’m not fulfilled.
Also I never want to portray that I am this holy, without fault Christian woman – I am far from that. I cuss a lot and I’m struggling with wanting things of this world. So please don’t ever read my blog and think I’ve got it all together in the realm of following Christ. I’m trying to figure this stuff out as I go and trying to trust the Lord’s timing (which he did not gift me with patience btw) and trust that his abundant grace is sufficient for me (2 Cor 12:9). I’m a struggling girl in a tough world, but he hasn’t failed me yet.
P.S. My dog just puked everywhere, gotta go ✌🏼 #thisisreallife