So I’ve wanted to write a blog for awhile and as I’ve typed it out, it just didn’t feel right. Anytime I write a blog, I want it to shoot straight from the heart without being forced. Initially, I had wrote about a video I listened to and the person talking spoke about “not just living but living fully.” And to be honest with you, I haven’t stopped thinking about that. I think about ‘living fully’ on a daily basis. How do I do this when things are being shut down? When I can’t even see half of the people’s faces I encounter? When I struggle to find toilet paper? Let’s be real…
I have read some of the most disgusting things in the past year, heard some of the most disturbing things I have ever heard in my life. It felt like and still does that social media has been death by words and thus severed relationships between families, friends, coworkers, races, etc. We are saying stuff online that we wouldn’t even say in person to one another. And for what? The chance to say “I’m right!” What is this world we are living in and passing down to the next generation? I’m not saying anything you don’t know, but what I want to say is there is so much to do in our current situation. So what.will.you.do?
For me personally, I’ve had to ask myself “what do I do with my time? What am I contributing to society? What is my purpose?” I will tell you the answer isn’t binge watching Netflix, buying needless things on Amazon, mindlessly scrolling social media. Those things aren’t bad, but man come on, we can do better. I received a phone call last week that truly opened my eyes. It was a pastor from the mental health clinic I stayed at in Florida voluntarily for 30 days in 2018. His intentions of calling me were regarding a program now in place for alumni to ‘check in’ which was largely put into place based on our conversations after the unfortunate, tragic suicide of my friend Jake. I told him that his phone call couldn’t have been more timely as I was struggling hard. As much as I believe that social media is causing a divide, it is socialization like this phone call that keeps me pressing onward. The truth is, like I said in my last post, we need each other. We were not made for isolation. Next time instead of sending that long text, hit the call button or FaceTime. If someone is put on your heart, they are there for a reason. Let them know it. The only way to move forward is together.
Living fully. So many times I’ve heard at funerals “they lived life to the fullest!” I think what will they say at mine? The last thing I want is for them to say I lived to the fullest but truly napped like a champ, just sayin 🤷🏼♀️ Because right now, I will not lie, I love to have an adequate amount of sleep. In all seriousness, I want to share what living fully is looking like for me personally. I had a conversation with my late husband a few months before he passed that I wanted the Lord to return after we had a chance to have a baby and experience that. Paul said to me that heaven was going to be greater than anything we could ever imagine and that the Lord could come anytime because he was ready. Such amazing faith he had and I feel it was truly a lesson for me at the time I didn’t realize. While I long to carry a child 9 months, hold them in my arms and lay them on my chest after delivering, I feel God is calling me in this season to become a foster mom. As much as I long to be loved and for stability, I want to provide love and stability for these kids. So I have initiated the process to foster kids in hopes to adopt if it’s truly God’s will for me to do so.
While moving forward looks totally different than what I had envisioned for my life, I trust that God’s plans are greater. Anyone that knows my story knows that I have struggled with tremendous loss and with that I’ve struggled to survive on many occasions. To this day, I still battle suicidal thoughts. I don’t write these blogs to depress people but as a source of hope and strength. An example to say I don’t have it altogether nor do I have it all figured out. I’m simply learning as I go and saying life is so freaking hard. I want people to read this and know that you aren’t alone, no one is perfect and without fault, no one wakes up without stinky breath, social media is a liar most of the time – it is the highlight reel of people’s lives. But I will KEEP IT REAL. Some days, I think how much I don’t want to be here. I want you that struggle with this to remember that suicide is just transference of pain. The pain you feel goes to your loved ones when you’re gone. Keep fighting. You can do it ❤️