Remember my blog about drinking and using it to cope? Well sometimes I fail in life and don’t take my own advice. Ever done that? This is a blog about imperfection, about accepting flaws yet making the necessary changes to prevent the possible deadly consequences. This isn’t about pity, not about attention, not about anything else besides recognizing when you’ve hit the bottom and need a way to cope with the far too many times I’ve been disappointed in life. It’s also about accountability because each one of you that reads my words and truly supports my blog make me want to keep my word rather than writing I can’t even take the advice/encouragement etc I’m dishing out. I’ve always been everyone else’s biggest cheerleader but myself, and the truth is, I believe in you more than me…but I’m getting there.
I’m not going to disclose all the events as I don’t feel it’s necessary but this past Wednesday, I had had enough of the chronic disappointment life was handing me. It’s like the confirmation of the reruns in my head of not being worthy of love (remember the tattoo). This goes a long way back – being cheated on multiple times in high school by my long term boyfriend, not being told back “I love you” until 1.5 years later, going ring shopping and 6 months later no ring, telling that same person I’m afraid I’m going to commit suicide and they’re never around yet still they don’t change me to a top priority. Now after suffering the loss of my husband, it’s all coming back. Being touched inappropriately on a second date, getting stood up by a dude that used to be a friend…IT WAS TOO MUCH. And well, Tito was there.
Martini, daiquiri, topping off my half of a bottle of Tito mixed with lemonade later, I found myself face down sobbing into the carpet after looking at the collage photos of Paul’s life that were on display at his funeral. I look at his face and it’s been too long – I just need to get to him RIGHT NOW. I just need the pain to stop because I’ve had ENOUGH. Knowing things were going from bad to worse, I called for help. My call was answered which then proceeded to “telephone” through my line of friends and family that dropped everything to be present. I looked at them and while I was sad, I told myself “look what you’re doing, you just took them away from their families, you’re such a burden, you should have followed through with your plan, etc.” I am truly my own worst enemy, especially with the assistance of alcohol.
So why did I do it? I woke up the next day regretting what I did. I knew this would surely make them take me back to a facility (which is almost like hell on earth). Here it goes again, Katie doesn’t have her shit together. She’s desperate for love, she keeps writing about her loneliness. I feel like I know what people think about me even as I’m telling this story. There’s some people I don’t call or tell anymore what’s going on because I know they are OVER IT. I’m so thankful for those that aren’t. You were there when it mattered.
So here’s the deal – I screwed up big, it almost cost me and my family a lot. This story is to say to the soul that’s dying and crying out in pain, I am right there with you. You’re not alone in the feels you have. We are tired, we are broken, we are not without flaws, we are not immune to making the wrong decisions that lead down the rabbit hole. BUT we are here. We have purpose. We are redeemed. We may never ever be blessed in the way we expect here on earth but Christ has overcome this fallen world. The darkness we face. The negative thoughts we have on repeat. The moments we say I cannot do this anymore. The loneliness (He was betrayed by friends). He will RESCUE YOU.
In my moment of drunkenness, I played the song “Rescue” by Lauren Daigle on repeat. It says:
I hear the whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper, you have nothing left
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
In my heart I have to believe these words. They have been a saving grace as God has showed up at my house disguised as my friends and family. He will never leave me.
While Christ is ever present with me, Tito is no longer. I’ve had periods in my life of sobriety and now I find myself back in this place. I will control it, it will not control me. Tito, you amplify my pain, you create a strength in me to carry out my plans of self harm. We are no more. Because Katie Oliver is a badass and the darkness will not outshine her light. She will overcome without you. I feel compassion for her. I love her. She is not too far gone. She has purpose. She is loved. She is beautiful despite what she says. Her soul is gold, it’s alive. She is a force to be reckoned with.
Heart that hurts, rest in this – this is not the end.
P.S. I’m thankful for grace. I am a human so underserving of it and never want to take advantage of such a precious gift.