I ended up on the psych ward of IU Hospital in Indianapolis a couple weeks ago after a visit with my psychiatrist went south. Deciding I had nothing to lose (which is my general feeling in life historically over the last 2 years), I decided to be brutally honest. In spilling my guts, I left nothing to the imagination – how frequent I thought about committing suicide and how I would do it. I make sure he’s aware how “over it” I am – life and it’s disappointments. I’m tired of having to play with the hand I was dealt. I’m tired of playing the “widow” card. I’m tired of being motherless. I’m tired of being dateless. I’m just tired.
So here we are waiting for transport where I’ll be shipped somewhere that can handle me at a time like this – where pretty much every God given right is stripped and now becomes privilege. I mean it’s no surprise to me why people don’t get help although sometimes it’s kinda nice not being able to have a cell phone at your side 24/7, not having access to food to eat on all day as well. Shoot give me a nice little gym so I can work out and let’s call this a clean prison. Plus my fam getting to visit ain’t so bad. But what is the game plan? ECT – aka controlled seizure for about a minute when they put me to sleep with IV medication. And this is my last hope…
My experiences so far have been mixed. I see improvement in my mood although my short term memory has taken a hit which they say is to be expected. My family calls me Lucy (after the character in 50 First Dates 🤪). I have had some increase in anxiety but for the most part, things have improved for the better. I still have some suicidal ideations but am only halfway through the 12 treatments. Compared to what I was having, this has improved quite a bit to which I’m very thankful.
The most important messages I wanted to convey in this blog: A) suicidal ideation is real and it is hard to fight on your own. I know this may be triggering for some of you to read if you’ve lost loved ones to suicide or to those of you who have suicidal ideations. B) IT IS NOT NORMAL TO WISH YOU WERE DEAD. C) For all the worry, panic, extra precautions that have been taken on my account, I want to tell my family I’m sorry which doesn’t seem like near enough. See here’s the thing about SI – It’s completely irrational and overwhelming. It’s the feeling of “I can’t” one more day. Giving up seems like the only logical, sane option – as insane as that sounds. It’s officially living in a world without hope. If this is you, PLEASE reach out for the ECT lifeline. It has saved my life thus far.