Just Married

Fall seems like the new wedding season and with that comes social media timelines full of wedding, honeymoon, and anniversary pictures…which if you’re me it’s hard to see. Because I was “only” (hate that word) married for 10 months. I still have the Mr and Mrs coffee cups and hand towels that I use. I remember watching my wedding/reception video and hearing my father in law pray for a lifetime of happiness…a lifetime that never happened. I have been widowed longer than I was married. But “Just Married” means something different to me now…

The honeymoon is over. The butterflies are dead now. The robotics of the mundane procedures of life are in full force. Whatever excitement you felt on your wedding day – gone. Some of you may look into your spouses eyes and feel nothing. And if you have kids, they run the show. Your spouse is on the back burner and maybe you’re both totally ok with that. Intimacy is scarce, touching each other feels like a transaction or completely foreign. Kissing each other good bye isn’t given a second thought – like maybe this is the last chance you get to do so. And if it was, maybe you wouldn’t care. You are simply “just married.” Legally bound but your hearts are elsewhere. Perhaps asking how long you can keep this picture of the perfect American couple/family up because no one truly knows what’s happening behind closed doors.

Let me tell you, the window of opportunity is closing in though. The hourglass has never stopped dripping sand. You will never ever get back this time to make your move. And I don’t mean divorce as I’m not a proponent of this (unless from biblical means that someone has been unfaithful in the marriage or from my personal feelings if someone is being abused). I will say, shit or get off the pot. CHANGE the way you’re approaching your marriage. It’s not a business transaction, not solely a friendship, not selfish, not demanding of unrealistic expectations – it’s a GIFT. And some are pissing all over it. You’re making me angry if you’re doing this…

I commonly hear from married men what’s happening…it’s a lack of intimacy, they are always initiating sex, their wives are disrespecting their wishes, just straight up disrespectful in general. And I observe the disrespect which fuels my internal fire (legit smoke has to be coming from my ears). I want to scream “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING LADY?!” Like no wonder there are problems because you’re belittling your man in front of everyone! Whew I’m getting passionate now and my fingers can’t type fast enough. No your man is not perfect but neither are you sweetheart. Don’t tell me I don’t understand because I do – my marriage wasn’t easy all the time. But I respected my man and the boundaries he set for our family. He protected me when I couldn’t see the potential hardships from decisions I was making. I wish I could’ve been better at many things.

Men, you are not going unscathed. I hear from women very often and the overwhelming theme is you are not doing enough to help! You want sex buddy, do the dishes! Stop acting like the only job you have is to work full time and do the yard stuff once a week. The kids are a joint responsibility. You want to go watch sports with your buddies or go hang out, cool, that door swings both ways. Your wife wants to shop without her kid(s) tugging at her the entire time, she wants to get pampered at the salon or have a weekend with her girlfriends. Husbands you aren’t the only one needing an escape. We now live in the 21st century where women work full time as well – adding the entire house responsibilities, grocery shopping, being the kids primary caregiver, bill payer etc is simply UNFAIR and the most unrealistic expectation. No wonder why mama is tired.

Collectively, know your spouses love language and speak it. Speak it often – yell it sometimes! Share your feelings that make everyone else wanna barf. Chase after them like Michael Myers (even tho the dude never runs). Be present, be available if you’re not present. Exhaust all your options – go to counseling, a marriage retreat/workshop. Leave no stone unturned to try to put your marriage back on the right path. PUT GOD FIRST. Stop making marriage look awful and miserable. Deal with your chronic issues that are never ending and everyone knows what they are. Some of these marriages are effecting your kids in a negative way or your extended family. Stop being so selfish and bull headed. It’s only after exhausting all options without having success, should you get off the pot. I’m sorry but I’m just tired of seeing and hearing about it.

As Rascal Flatts put it, love who you love with all that you have, don’t waste the time that flies so fast. You have one shot – don’t let it pass you by.

Keeping It Real since 1989 ✌🏼

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