I always talk about feeling something so deep that it’s just part of my DNA. And the part today I’m talking about is my ability to love someone else after losing Paul. Ever since I started dating my high school boyfriend around the age of 14-15, like many teens, I fell hard and fast. Thought I was gonna marry the person, have a house with a white picket fence, 3 kids, minivan, smiling faces, golden retriever, blah blah blah. But life has its way of smacking us right between the eyes right? And there’s a reason there’s a saying “young and dumb.”
In my life, I’ve truly loved 3 people. And when I love, I love HARD. I’ve always been a person that knows exactly what I want when it comes to the realm of love. Have I settled before? Yes. Have I stayed in something far longer than I knew I should’ve because I was comfortable…hopeful things would change? YES. Did I think I had it right and chose to do it MY way instead of getting out of the way for God to do his thing? ABSOLUTELY. To this day, I still suffer repercussions (unfortunately) from the hurts (partially induced on myself) from staying in one particular relationship. It led me to feelings of “what’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? I’m not skinny enough, etc…” All this negative self talk over years has still left me at times asking the same questions – yes even after being married to the love of my life who changed the way I felt about me, who made me feel like I was worthy of love.
After I FINALLY left a 7.5 year relationship and after many people (even strangers) were praying for my husband to find me, 3 weeks later, he came onto the scene. And life was NEVER and will NEVER be the same. When I finally met Paul, it all made sense. Every single heart break was worth it. They say “when you know, you know” and I KNEW IT. With everything in me. After our first date, I remember telling my mom “if this isn’t my husband I’m gonna be mad!” When I look back at this time of my life, I am so incredibly thankful and blessed that I had the honor of being a wife to a man that showed me true, unconditional love. Paul made me a priority, over everything, every time. He told me how beautiful I was almost daily. He valued our time together just as much as I did. I recently read through our texts and it was his late weekend night and he said, “…I hate you have to go see people and family alone.” I know in my heart he just wanted to be with me – and I wanted nothing more than to be with him.
As I read that text now, I know Paul doesn’t want me doing things alone – living this life alone. I know he saw in me something I never saw in myself – worthy of being loved. Really truly loved. I often think if he can see me from heaven how his heart would break knowing how alone and sad I am most of the time. I know he doesn’t want that for me. I’m sure he will be grateful for the man that comes along to love me like he did – just a broken soul that loves so deep, that will never let go.
For anyone that’s never experienced a love like this or doesn’t believe it exists, I’m here to tell you I’m living proof. It only took 3 weeks for God to show me after I got out of the way. I’m not saying it will happen this quick for you and I understand feeling like you’re praying for something that seems it will never happen. That’s how I feel now. Honestly, I feel like a spectator to everyone else’s dreams coming true while I’m picking up the pieces to a shattered picture of what I thought my life was going to be at this point. But Paul made me believe in genuine, unselfish love, and I’ll never stop believing because of him.
If you’re married and reading this, consider yourself blessed even if it’s not the greatest of times. You may say you can’t imagine what it’s like living without your spouse – the truth is you can but it hurts so bad to think about it. Live each moment in gratitude with each other. Even when it’s hard. Even when you don’t want to. Take the trip, spend the money, dance in the rain, be spontaneous, DATE YOUR SPOUSE. Don’t waste time. Life is so short and you think you’ll always have time but you never know…