The People Pleaser: What It Means to Struggle with Relationship Insecurity

Hello everyone! I know I’m coming to ya at a weird time, but I’m not able to sleep and just have a lot of thoughts running through my mind. It’s been awhile since I’ve wrote a blog, and there’s a reason for that. I’ve been told by a couple people that I shouldn’t keep blogging and keep putting “too much out there.” Well it couldn’t be more perfect to explain myself, as the people pleaser in me feels I need to, why I will continue to blog when I feel it on my heart necessary to do so.

I legitimately had typed out and then just erased “I’m sorry” if I have over shared some things and made some of you uncomfortable. There is a reason I share what I do – it is to show the REAL struggle of REAL life problems. My family and I talked last night about all the junk that is on tv that thousands of people fill their minds with – the Kardashians, the Bachelor, scrolling social media following celebrity accounts that are famous for what? Simply being gorgeous with a killer body? What about real life, real world problems people aren’t talking about? Oh I’m sorry (ha), does this make you uncomfortable? It should because I’m not talking about stuff like grief, depression, suicidal ideation as if I’m the only person on the planet that deals with it. I’m talking about the things your friends sit at home in the dark thinking to themselves but are too afraid to tell you. Ok now that the people pleaser in me has explained myself on that and is now going to analyze how you’re gonna take all this, let’s dive into what I really wanted to talk about.

I was able to still do therapy over video chat while I’m here in Destin on vacation this week, and some things that we talked about were true AHA moments for me. I keep reminding myself over and over what was discussed. One thing that I mentioned was that in relationships (friendships, family, dating, etc) I worry so much about being liked. I mean who does not want to be liked as a person? But how many of you have been envious of that person that when someone is rude to them or it’s abundantly clear someone doesn’t like them (such as they get ghosted by someone-which was my current issue or so and so didn’t like my post on social media) they don’t give a crap? 🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️ Now me, I’m going to analyze the crap out of what I did wrong for them not to like me. How could you not like me? What did I do wrong? What didn’t I do, etc?

The answer to the question of why don’t you like me will always be that there must be something wrong with me. This is what you call relationship insecurity. What causes this? Lack of confidence and low self esteem. When these words came out of my therapist’s mouth, tears welled up in my eyes and started rolling down my face. Years and years of people pleasing was now just explained in a simple, yet heavy, sentence. What a burden to carry for so long. What caused this lack of confidence and low self esteem? I know the answer but the thought of trying to fix the years of damage that was done and the daily thoughts I tell myself sometimes…shew, I might as well try to crawl up Mount Everest on my sunburnt knees…eyes closed…backwards…

So seriously what.am.I.to.do? My therapist again gave me another sentence – simple yet another huge AHA. What if I focus on the EFFORT I put in in the relationship vs the OUTCOME? That means that I can focus on what part I can actually control vs what I cannot control. WOW. The people pleaser in me felt some weight taken off my shoulders. Basically I’m gonna be me, which I know in my heart is good. And if they don’t like it, I’m going to be ok with that because I know the effort I put in. This obviously is going to take time and practice but I kinda like this whole idea and it will be worth investing in. I have wayyyy too many other aspects of life that need my attention.

Now lack of confidence and low self esteem are other areas that will certainly take work. I’m not just talking about the physical component although this is clearly a very significant piece. I’m talking about those thoughts we tell ourselves on the daily, which may even be about our physical appearance. “Nothing I ever do is right.” “I’m never going to be good enough.” “I look so fat.” “No one is ever going to want me.” Just to give you a few examples. Past relationships (definitely not my marriage) where I was cheated on or made to feel not good enough started these negative thoughts about me. Also, perfectionism is another struggle that my people pleaserness thrives and dies by which also creates more negative thoughts when I mess up. Because guess what? I can’t give myself a lick of grace. Now if it’s anyone else, sure I can give them some but noooooooo not me.

To deal with these negative thoughts and the perfectionist problem, I said to myself the other day “who does God say that I am?” Well you know, Katie, He calls you his child (1 John 3:1). The Bible says you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them (Ephesians 2:10). She is clothed in strength and dignity…Proverbs 31:25. So basically He made me strong (even when I don’t feel it), I’m His masterpiece, and I AM HIS regardless what I think of myself or who likes me. What else truly matters?

I am reminded of a story about my mom and Paisley, my 7 year old niece, walking the beach this week and Paisley says to mom “so grandma, when God made jellyfish He made a mistake?” She said this since they have the ability to sting and can hurt us. Talk about a hefty question as you’re supposed to be taking a leisurely stroll…so did God make a few mistakes when He made me? The short answer is no and this is a story for another day, but the main point is He did not make a mistake. There’s a Christian movie from my childhood that has a song that says “He’s still working on me, to make me what I ought to be.” That is me – a continuous work in progress, one that is loved by the most high God which is the most secure relationship I could possibly have.

P.S. Give yourself some grace!

One thought on “The People Pleaser: What It Means to Struggle with Relationship Insecurity

  1. Thank you for sharing. These are questions that I can say that I have had and so I understand. Everyone has a story to tell, so, why not let it be yours? 🤷🏾‍♀️ Hope you keep writing. Take care and be safe out there.

    Like

Leave a Reply to A Dose of JJ's Reality Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s