The last few days I have internally fought a lot of feels. Our church just wrapped up a sermon series called “How you feelin?” and the first message was total validation for me. As a Christian, I want me and Paul’s story to mean something for the eternal good – that has been something I’ve said from the very beginning. I just want to give you a perspective on this…I have seen this come to fruition by some of our friends making the decision to follow Christ and for my family, it has made us walk deeper in our faith and have some hard conversations. Am I saying that Paul had to die for this to happen? No. But God is showing me that he will work for the good in the midst of the worst of situations.
I am often my own worst critic – I will essentially eat myself alive with my thoughts. “Katie here you are, the 3rd or 5th wheel again. Things will never get better. Remember that person that didn’t want you. Your cheeks are fat in that picture. You cannot quit your job and follow your dream – no one is supporting that. You’re the only one financially supporting you and your husband’s previous life so buck up buttercup. How are you going to kill yourself? Just do it already, make all of this stop. Your biological time clock is ticking – and your endometriosis is only just spreading in the mean time. You should just give that little girl outfit you bought years ago for your daughter one day to someone else.”
That’s not pretty at all, I get it. But here’s the point…I have many broken dreams and feels that I’m facing every day, just like many of you. I see it in sarcastic memes that are posted. Those that scoff at your singleness and/or your joke of a life meant to make people laugh but BE REAL, it’s a wound/need/desire that’s not being fulfilled – and gosh that freakin hurts so bad. We know what we long for. It’s not a joke. So why are we not chasing it with everything in us? Falling to our knees asking God to change our circumstances or change our perspective? We are human. Some churches forget this. We are not robots of praise that are void of emotion – GOD GAVE US EMOTION. Some of us too many 🙋🏼♀️ What will you do with that emotion though? Will you drink yourself into oblivion? Will you continue to keep hiding from your potential? Will you let FEAR continually dictate your life? Will you continually watch others live the life you want, get the body you want but you do nothing to help yourself get there (I call it spectator syndrome)? Call yourself to action.
One thing about this sermon series that I’ve loved and lived out is that regardless of our emotion, when we worship and give gratitude, it is hard to stay in the negative emotional mindset. Like Kyle said, do you feel like worshipping or expressing thanks to God or others when you are experiencing negative emotions? That’s a hard no. But I personally have done this and noticed a difference. I actually had a phone conversation with Bob Russell a few months ago – mainly I sobbed and told him how I wanted to give up on my faith etc because I didn’t feel like people understood how hard I’m struggling, how badly I want to give up, how I miss my husband so much I can’t stand to be here. He told me to start writing thank you notes to someone weekly. At the time, I seriously was angry at his response. Like uhhh did you just hear anything I said bruh? I get it now. Does it fix all my feels? Nope. But does it help me? Yes. I often think how many times we beg God for help in the midst of something awful (even nonbelievers do this) – for healing, for a miracle, for a good test result, to save a loved ones life? But how often do we give him thanks? How often do we acknowledge his faithfulness? We wouldn’t be in a personal relationship with someone on this earth if all we did was ask and ask of them yet never thanked them. Why do we treat God the same?
I will continue to fight even though I’m tired. I know in my weakness, He is my strength. The Bible says he knows the desires of our hearts – God you know, you have the power to change it. BUT even if you don’t, my hope is in you alone.
P.S. We sang the song “Great is thy faithfulness” and these lyrics stuck out to me…
“All that I needed thy hand hath provided”
We have what we need, we lack for nothing.