The Price of Vulnerability

I watched Brene Brown’s segment that’s on Netflix awhile back and something she said stuck with me which was a loud theme of her talk…you can’t be vulnerable without being courageous. I think about my life over the last 20 months and how brutally honest, vulnerable I’ve been about this journey post tragedy and loss of my husband Paul. What’s the point in sharing and laying out my heart for those willing to read? It’s not that I need any of you to understand because you cannot (unless you’re a widow), and I’m glad you can’t because I know what that would mean for you.

Here’s why I do. This tragedy has changed every single thing about me and how I live my life. There are a few things in particular that I want to bring up that are essentially driving me mad in this world in which we live.

1. “This is the way things are” or “this is how things have always been done.” This is one of the most DANGEROUS mindsets to live in. Why are we accepting of things that are broken because “that’s just the way things are”? Why are we letting insurance companies dictate what medical care we can get? Why are we paying hundreds to thousands of dollars for it then we have to fight them to get a test approved that our MD says we need done? Why do we spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on court cases where the proof is 100% there or someone knows the truth but won’t say it? It is GREED and our money is going into someone’s pockets – likely someone who’s getting million dollar bonuses every year. Why do things like the Clinton Conspiracy exists but no one has the balls to investigate it? Fear. I don’t live my life in fear anymore by putting my head in the sand and laying low. People want to talk a lot of talk and then do NOTHING! Healthcare and the justice system are a joke – everyone knows that but what is anyone willing to do to change it?

2. Selfishness/pride. So many are out for #1. Never willing to admit when they’re wrong or admit when someone else is right. This includes parents to their kids. Think what that would teach them if you told them you were wrong about something you did? I’ve had to eat some humble pie since Paul died because I’ve said some things out of anger that have hurt people. What happened to me doesn’t give me the right to walk around wounding others. I also think not being vulnerable is selfish. Not being vulnerable in marriage, relationships, your work is only hindering those from being more fulfilled. How much more success do relationships have when there is 100% vulnerability with one another? It’s called communicating which includes the ugly, deepest, darkest shit – that’s what connects people on a whole other level, one that actually means something. Why are we so afraid to communicate to our closest people this stuff? FEAR. But please let’s post on social media how we have the perfect life and all of our shit together. The truth always comes out, know that. In your career, if you aren’t taking a risk and following your passion, you’re vastly letting not only yourself but people down that could benefit from your God given purpose. The gifts and passions you were given are unique to you. Don’t let fear stop you from doing what you were created to do. Do what turns your heart aflame. Life is too short to not do what you love.

3. Be vulnerable with your love. Does it hurt sometimes? So freakin bad. Is it worth it? Absolutely. I currently have no desire to date and I think God has shifted my focus to other things. One thing I’ve thought heavily on since Paul died is about adoption. It’s something I’ve never let go of. I ask myself can I handle this? What if I put my heart out there for a child just for them to get ripped away from me? What if it’s too much? All I know is I was given a huge heart for a reason – I wasn’t born to bottle this love up and never give it away. I often think there’s a reason the word “love” is tattooed on my body twice. It’s such a big part of who I am. The song “Reckless Love” was one of Paul’s favorite songs and we had our favorite worship pastor Chris Jackson sing it at his funeral. As I drove home tonight driving his truck after a day of disappointing news, I turned that song on and with tears streaming down my face I sang along. I know love because Christ loved me first. He displayed every bit of vulnerability by going to the cross for me, for Paul, for you.

I’m thankful for the heart I have, I’m thankful for my gift of vulnerability although sometimes it causes more pain than if my head was in the sand. I can’t live my life in a bubble and I won’t. I will always stand up for what I believe is right. I will never back down from what I believe in my heart to be true. All I’m asking is the same from you. Let’s be honest with ourselves and KEEP IT REAL.

**Disclaimer: I do not agree with everything Brene Brown said in her talk.**

And I don’t discuss politics so don’t go there with me either.

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