Derby season is not an easy time for me as my constant thoughts played back to Paul working lots of hours as everyone on LMPD is generally required to, him meeting Jason Witten (lookin like a star struck girl lol), and his love (and sometimes tears shed) for the playing of “My Old Kentucky Home.” It’s hard knowing I will never see him putting on that uniform again, kissing him goodbye, and waiting anxiously for him to be off work. I still cannot bring myself to take down the TBL sign I have hanging in the doorway of our house -which unfortunately is where he collapsed – that says “Come Home Safe.”
This week I received a text from someone in the police family that has truly been there for me from the beginning of Paul’s tragic death. He expressed how proud he was of me and towards the end of our texts he said “you are blessed Katie.” Me 1 year ago would probably have been offended but me today completely agrees with what he said. Here’s why…
While empty promises were made after this tragedy, the ones that were kept have blown me away. Blue brothers that have stepped up and became my friend, treated me like I was a person and not just “Paul’s widow,” the consistent communication, being the definition of “no one fights alone.” These guys have literally made me laugh, made me feel important and loved, made my life a little less lonely. People in this family have actually helped me get the job I’m in today. So while I will never get to see Paul in uniform ever again, there is a comfort in knowing I still get to be a part of the police family that I love – a family most people can’t appreciate/understand until they are in it.
If you’ve read any of my previous blogs, you know that while I never would ask for this widow life in a million years, I still want to embrace this tragedy as a way to be better. I don’t want it to define me and I embrace the people that make me feel like it’s not my identity. It is not easy most of the time and I’ll never pretend it is. Some days I’m still trying to survive, just focusing on taking the next step – knowing I might take a few steps back. But above everything, I don’t deserve anything in this life but God has given me lots of things to be thankful for. He gave me two of his sons – Christ and Paul. Which has blessed me til eternity.
P.S. Paul’s favorite verse which is commonly associated with police is “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons of God.” Matthew 5:9