Rejection is certainly not easy when you’re a widow – just like everything else that’s related to it. It feels like a punishment that comes with something you never asked or wanted. A label that got slapped on you which was out of your control. I often ask myself what’s wrong with me? Feels familiar as I asked myself this in a relationship prior to meeting my husband. Which just furthers the hurt and pain of losing him. Like I wouldn’t even be in this position (single) if he was here.
I’ve found it a lot easier to just withdraw from a lot of things and mostly people. Because no one listens – truly listens. What I have to say is met by suggestions of things that would be “good” for me. You know what would be good? If my husband was here – because he’s the only person on this earth that listened to me and honestly made me feel like I could keep living. And now that’s fucking gone.
I’ve pretty much realized I will always battle suicidal thoughts. I’ve given up any hope I’ve had that I will ever truly be free from them. My faith has kept me here and here I’ll remain for that only reason. It’s funny to me how no one bats an eye when I say I think about swerving into the median while driving, etc. I’m actually astounded there’s not a greater response…it’s like I just told someone I had a waffle for breakfast. Maybe actually going through with it would create a reaction? Just some thoughts I have. People act like they never saw suicide coming – but did you really not? Are you really listening to people around you? I’m not being critical just being real because I’m amazed at humanity sometimes. Why is our face stuck in a phone on social media, texting, or calling when we should be showing up at peoples doorsteps? People aren’t gonna ask you for help – at least most aren’t. They don’t wanna put people out, take them away from their “busy” schedules. Don’t wanna be an inconvenience. And are we really that busy? The answer is no – you’re never too busy for the people you “love” or care about.
I know after this is posted it will illicit a response but I beg of anyone reading this to do one thing – be a REAL friend. Have the hard conversations with your closest people, people you know are having a hard time. Be genuine with no ulterior motives. And please if you feel like me, get help. You are not alone, you are not weak, you are NOT ok and it’s ok. And please reach towards heaven, it is truly your only saving grace.
P.S. Kyle Idleman said in his sermon today “if you have to be here, might as well make the most of it!” — which is something I’m trying to do but it is the hardest thing I’ve had to do in this life.